Summer Vacation: The Fantasy Dilemma

By: The Commish Report

When you hear the word “vacation” what comes to mind? Chevy Chase trekking across the country in the “The Wagonqueen Family Truckster” to the fictionalized Walley World amusement park in the classic 1983 movie “Vacation” while the song “Holiday Road” by Lindsey Buckingham is blaring in the background? Or heading to Las Vegas for a long weekend of debauchery and hedonism (side note: Chevy Chase also starred in the very unwatchable 1997 movie entitled “Vegas Vacation” which for me killed the vacation franchise and virtually ended the career of both Chevy Chase and his fictional wife, Beverly D’Angelo).

Whether it’s amusement parks or sin city, one universal problem exists. That age old dilemma of keeping up with the daily grind of following your fantasy squads and making the daily roster changes or even checking the nightly statistics of those men you have grown to love, honour and obey until they go on an 0-26 slump. And then you dump them quicker than Mosies Alou goes on the disabled list.

I faced this very same problem as I packed the family minivan, this past Fourth of July weekend. The Commish household crammed the family minivan (special award of gratitude to the inventors of those earphones that block out the sound from those mesmerizing child DVD’s which included the latest Barbie movie and a Care Bears flick which enabled the wife and I to actually listen to some music that did not involve Raffi or a singing chipmunk) and headed across the great state of Florida to the relaxed west coast beaches.

I know, I know, you’re probably saying to yourself, “Why is the Commish driving two hours in a packed minivan while the Care Bears movie is on continuous play and gas is more than $4.00 a gallon? He is just a Jeff Francoeur throw from the beaches on the southeast coast of Florida.” To which I respond that is a very valid point, but I compare the two coasts of Florida to a night of partying with Cedric Benson on his house boat to a relaxed evening sitting in a rocking chair listening to Vince Scully on the radio while sipping on your favourite cocktail, enjoying the gentle summer breezes and bugs crackling in the distant bug zapper.

Upon finally reaching the remote timeshare/condominium and after unpacking the overstuffed minivan, I realized that my latest residence for the next three days was rather archaic compared to the Commish Headquarters back at Fantasy Sportsland, USA. Let’s just say the humble abode was not “fantasy friendly”. Absent from my new friendly confines was the MLB Ticket (which broadcasts just about every game every night) and wi-fi capability which enables one “stat tracker” to well track your players stats with up to the minute results.

The icing on the cake was that the one television, in this particular unit, was capable of broadcasting four channels and FOX was in black and white and faded when the clouds blocked the sun. I did not realize that my 90-mile journey took me across the southern portion of Florida but it also transported me back in time. As I already mentioned earlier, I was driving a minivan not a DeLorean, and I am the Commish not Michael J. Fox.

My only saving grace was my handheld pocket device, which was capable of surfing the Internet. That is, surfing the Internet when you are able to get a signal. The only place I was able to obtain the elusive signal was in the bathroom. I am not making this up, the only place I was able to check my teams statistics or make a roster change was on the proverbial “crapper.” The crapper was literally the same size of Barry Bond’s head and not while he played in San Francisco, but when he played in Pittsburgh (compare and be amazed).

The ultimate fantasy crisis was now in full bloom and I faced the task to either let my numerous fantasy squads take a holiday nose-dive or fake Montezuma’s Revenge all weekend. Before I get to the conclusion of my fantasy dilemma let me touch upon the top tips to make your summer travels coincide with fantasy bliss (in no particular order of importance). Read them, devour them, digest them and hopefully you are able to learn from my weekend technology foibles:

1. Plan you trip during Major League Baseball All-Star Break. This method worked to perfection in the past but for those years when the fourth falls on a Friday or Monday, it’s hard to avoid the inevitable three-day weekend.

2. If you are staying at a hotel/resort make sure they have Internet access capability in the room (you would be surprised at the number of hotels that do not offer this or offer this at a price that exceeds any winnings that you may obtain if you win the league). At the very least have a business room with free Internet access in the lobby.

3. If you are not staying at a hotel/resort make sure where you are going has at least cable television. ESPN News is the ultimate tool in following your team’s success or failures. You can always seek out the local sports bar.

4. If you are staying somewhere with no Internet access you should be able to find an Internet café within a short driving or walking distance. This tip is most helpful for those overseas ventures.

5. This tip can also save you from fantasy meltdown by knowing which of your trustworthy friends are home and have computer access. You can always call them for your team updates or even to make some roster changes.

6. This last fantasy travel tip comes from a friend of mine (who shall remain nameless) whose engagement was derailed because he forgot to follow this very important rule. When in route to your travel destination forewarn your significant other about your need to keep tabs on your fantasy teams. The last thing you need is for your vacation and your fantasy teams to both go down faster than the Hindenburg.

To conclude my Fourth of July adventure, I did raise suspicions when I would disappear to the bathroom every morning for long periods of time without any reading materials. I was able to get the top baseball news the next morning via my handheld device (which ran slower than Major League Baseball rules committee). In the end, I was able to win my weekly fantasy baseball matchups and spend some quality time with the family. It was a win-win situation, but the most surprising event occurred upon the return to the Commish Headquarters only to find the whole neighborhood was without power due a down wire. Now that’s irony!

If you have any further tips, suggests or comments you can email me at lernerm@juno.com.

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Matthew Lerner is a full-time attorney and part-time fantasy observer who lives in South Florida and is graduate of the University of Florida (Go Gators!). He invites you to check out the The Commish Report which contains more useless fantasy knowledge for the "Average Joe" and/or email your questions and/or comments to him at lernerm@juno.com.

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1 Comment

  1. Please don’t insult Nick Papa-Georgio in your blog…

    Comment by I Dominate "The Commish" At Beer Pong on July 15, 2008

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